Poise in Parting: Friendship Breakups

Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. 

You may have noticed that whenever I’ve gone through a friendship breakup - especially now, with parts of my life living online - I stay silent. I don’t film story-times, post indirects, or try to defend myself. And that’s because if I loved you once, a disagreement or even a betrayal doesn’t erase that. Respect, to me, isn’t conditional. To speak badly about someone I once called a friend would cheapen everything we shared - and I refuse to rewrite history that way.

I’ve always been particular about the people I let into my life, but once you’re in, that bond becomes something I honour deeply. I don’t make ‘for now’ friendships. I make the kind of relationships built with the hope that one day you’ll be at my wedding - probably standing beside me. I enter every friendship with the intention of it being lifelong. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, and that’s okay. Not everyone is meant to stay, and there’s a certain grace in accepting that.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is let people go when they want to leave. 

In saying that, I’ve never been the type to let people walk all over me. I very much strive for justice and things being “fair”, so finding the balance between standing my ground and choosing silence - instead of retaliation - has taken a lot of self-control, but, I believe in karma, I trust in the universe, and I know the truth will always reveal itself. Silence - paired with private forgiveness - is the classiest response.

I also see it this way: I refuse to become the person someone has attempted to paint me out as. So yes, I stay silent. I won’t broadcast our disagreement to the world, and I won’t let a moment of hurt turn me into someone I am not.

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Sometimes we expect more from others, because we know that they would receive that from us. My loyalty runs deep. I am more likely to forgive someone who has done wrong by me than I am to show forgiveness to someone who has hurt my friend. 

The older I get the more I realise why you should only surround yourself with people who share the same morals, and values as you.

I am a pretty forgiving person, and very low maintenance in a friendship. We don’t have to speak every day for our relationship to count, but the second you betray me or break my trust - that is the one thing I can’t get past. It’s not my job to teach you how to be a good friend and a friend that becomes an enemy after a little misunderstanding was never a friend to begin with. I do take things personally because I would have never done that to you. 

I was reflecting the other day and I thought to myself, why am I so much quicker to cut off a female friendship than I am a man? And I believe it’s because I value my female friendships so much more than I value my relationships with men. I give more, I trust more, and in turn, I expect more. Men, I consider likely to hurt me, women however - I have grown up surrounded by the most beautiful, pure, and loving girlfriends. 

The beautiful girls I get to call my best friends have shown me, time and time again, what unconditional love really looks like. They are my chosen family - not bound by blood, but by loyalty, softness, and a kind of sisterhood that feels fated. If I picked up the phone at any hour, every single one of them would answer without hesitation. I’ve never once had to question their love, never felt like a burden, and never been made to feel “too much.” That, to me, is what friendship is meant to be.

I will never understand those who envy their friends - watching the women I love succeed is one of my greatest joys. And however I can help, support, uplift, or simply stand beside them, I will. Their happiness is something I celebrate as if it were my own, because loving your friends generously is one of the most beautiful things in this world.

I am no stranger to a friendship break up. And although they hurt - sometimes even worse than a romantic separation - I will not remain friends with someone who can treat me in a way that I would never even imagine treating them. Your friends should make you feel valued, seen, heard, and appreciated. “I don’t like how this makes me feel” is a legitimate reason to separate yourself from people. And that has been the reason I have walked away from friendships in the past. If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

The more I heal the more I realise how valid my anger was, but I hold hate in my heart for no one. Rotten fruit falls on its own. Revenge is never necessary. 

If we were once friends, I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. Our chapter is closed, what was done, cannot be undone but I wish you nothing but the best. You don’t have to feel the same way about the end of our friendship as I do, I don’t want you back in my life but if you ever truly needed me, I would be there for you. So, when you’re talking bad about me, make sure to tell them how I was there for you when others weren’t, how I listened to you vent over and over again without complaining, and how I constantly had your back. 

For my final act of love, I'll stay silent because I valued our friendship and I don’t take people's trust for granted. Your secrets are safe with me forever.

Love, 

Innasya x